the drama team practically acted out my life yesterday. it's sad, how ur life can be summerised in short drama in less than 30 mins. -_- good for them, they only have to act for that short 30 mins or so. i have to live the life 24/7.

for that moment, i lost control of my actions. i threw my phone, wishing that i could dash onto the road and let a car knock me down right there and then. just when i thought things are getting better, everything seem to fall apart again. who knows? who sees? it's all hidden behind this plastic smiling face of mine.

a good fren told me to learn and tell myself to forgive her. it's not abt forgiving her or not. it's about how much i hate my life, my existence of earth, and myself. everything is my fault. is there anything that is NOT MY FAULT? i think my life is a joke. big fat joke.

part of me wants to die. to show her how much emotional trauma she have caused her stupid useless good-for-nothing daughter. i wan her to feel the pain. but then, she might not even feel it at all. wat a joke. i'm positive that my birth was a huge mistake 20 years ago.

it's no point. no point trying to keep myself sane. no point trying to be nice. cuz watever i do will turn out to be bad and evil. i think i'm a dirt. i'm an irritant to everyone. i'm disturbing my boyfren's life with my nonsense. i'm causing so much trouble at home. i'm a dirt, unwanted, unwelcomed. why live at his house? i thought i can avoid things. but it turns out that i'll be facing more things. why bother to try so hard to make it to uni? i thought my success in education will make a difference. but i was wrong. in the end, i'm still stucked. nowhere to turn to, nowhere to go. i'm sick. i'm sick and tired.


Breathe into my soul, Spirit of God
Fill my life with Your presence
Hide under Your shadow
Dwell in Your secret place
It's You I long for